What not To Do on the Choo Choo

Trams and Trains are part of my daily life. I can't get very far in Melbourne without having to get on a tram or train. Since this is part of my daily routine, it's something that I have observed certain 'things' if you will that I think should be immediately corrected. Many of these behaviours are probably common public place annoyances, I just find them particularly annoying on the tram/train.

1) Consumption of Food - I would vote just don't do it at all, but most certainly don't consume foods that require eating with your hands. Have you considered where your hands have been just to get on the train, much less the disgustingness of the germs in that little cabin of air space. This really came home one morning as I was innocently riding along the Epping line to get to work. This lady sat directly across from me(see later bullet point on choice of seating) and promptly unloaded what, to my surprise, was apparently her definition of breakfast. Course One was Pringles sour cream and onion. Seriously?!? Who eats that for breakfast? Not to mention the foul smell that was now drafting my direction, on top of which I had to watch this lady (who clearly had feasted on pringles multiple times in life) crunch through a whole can of these chips, LICK her fingers, and then attempt to brush away the crumbs. With an annoyed sigh, I thought to myself, well at least that's over, she's finished the can. Oh no no no, she wasn't done. Then came Course Two, to blend with the stench of sour cream and onion, she pulled from her bag-o-treats an orange! Yet another loud smelling, finger food that I was just perplexed that someone would even attempt to eat on a train. It was clear that she had pulled this stunt before, as she managed to peel the thing in one cohesive piece of rine. At the next stop, before I threw up what little food I had in my stomach, or worse she pulled out a can of tuna, I got up and moved to a different seat in the train.

Which leads me to my next 'understood' rule of tram/train travel.

2) Seating - Now, I know I'm not in Texas anymore, and there is no such thing as men who give up their seats for women anywhere else in the world, however, there are still some expected human instinct type behaviours. One, if its high traffic time, and you are capable of standing, then stand. If you are a lady with a ridiculously oversized hand bag, said 'purse' does not need it's own seat. It does not have legs, and it won't kill you to hold that monstrousity in your lap (might do you a bit of good to get a good feel for exactly how large of a bag you've actually managed to haul around this whole time). My other piece of advice would be, if you see someone who is relatively tall, and there are several other open seats on the train, do not sit directly across from us. We do not appreciate bumping knees with you (unless of course you are one those gems of a hot Australian man, in which case let's get a drink and then we can bump all sorts of things) and it is not comfortable to try and sit with my feet tucked up under my chair. If you just have to have a window seat, kindly ask, I will be more than happy to switch with you.

There are a few other points I've gathered from my daily train travels that can be stated quite briefly.
- Take a bath. The spiders will still get you, even if you stink.
- Don't block the doorway, I will knock you down to keep from missing the train.
- Talking loudly on your mobile, to tell the person every 30 seconds that you can't hear them because of the bad reception on the train is POINTLESS. Hang up.
- Heaving petting or making out to the point that there are slurping or moaning noises merits a hotel room. Get one.